Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
