there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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