Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
