My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
