I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
