i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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