Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
