Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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