The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
