Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
