Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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