I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
