The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
