Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
