I showed him my bush... on skype.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
