I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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