I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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