I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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