I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
