dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
soo... how was my night?
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