This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
