if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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