Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Two words: nipple clamps
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