All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
