At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In other news, I just burned my penis
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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