Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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