The maid of honor just puked.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
