he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
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