I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
