if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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