dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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