So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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