I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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