A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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