Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
