Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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