His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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