he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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