Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
