I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
