And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
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