We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
