dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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