they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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