she woke up with a sticky ear
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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