I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
