I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
