He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
