Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
