I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
