My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Randomize
