He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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