I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize