Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
