I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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