I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize