Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
